FOLKLORE-L Archives
Archiver > FOLKLORE > 2002-05 > 1021653717
From:
Subject: [FOLKLORE FAMILY] [warning] An Open Letter to Email Marketers
Date: Fri, 17 May 2002 12:41:57 EDT
LOL TO FUNNY~!
>
> An open letter to the person about to send me that mass email:
>
> You did not 'just see my site' and see a great opportunity to raise my
> traffic.
>
> You aren't a young, nubile sixteen year-old girl about to go down on her
> sister just for me.
>
> I am perfectly happy with my penis, but thank you for insisting that you can
> help me improve what I have.
>
> I do not own a home, so you cannot help me unlock my hidden equity.
>
> I do not need your services or the services of your coding team in India.
> Thanks for sending me all the resumes though; it's always fun to see someone
> claim to be an expert in WS_FTP and 'DB3 Progroming.'
>
> I have a college degree so odds are I don't want one of yours even if there
> IS a discount when I buy 3 or more. I suppose it's nice of you to offer a
> cheaper path to grad school for some though.
>
> You do not have pictures of Catherine Zeta-Jones that 'show everything' in a
> way that I've never thought of before. Trust me, I've thought of at least a
> dozen ways you couldn't imagine. I'm surprised Michael Douglas hasn't kicked
> my ass already.
>
> Even if nude pictures of Chelsea Clinton exist I sure as hell don't want to
> see them.
>
> The words 'farm animals' and 'sex' should never be in such close proximity,
> hence I won't even crack open the email.
>
> Your subject header contains two-dozen garbage characters because you're too
> cheap to actually pay for the mass email product you're using, so how good
> can your product or service be?
>
> I don't want to know the facts about anyone, anytime. There's a certain
> amount of blissful ignorance that is required to stay sane these days. Your
> offer is tempting but the odds are that my personally concocted versions of
> 'the truth' are better off for my long-term mental health (whatever that may
> actually be.)
>
> Seriously, I have no desire to do anything to my penis. Why in the world you
> think this is a viable email-marketing scheme is beyond me.
>
> I'm too young to need Viagra, but thanks for offering.
>
> I don't want to buy prescription medication at bargain prices from you. I
> barely trust my HMO, why in the world do you think I'll let you fill my
> scrip?
>
> I also don't need the 'all-natural' alternative to Viagra no matter how much
> better it is than the real thing. Besides, isn't the alternative to Viagra
> just having loads and loads of money?
>
> Speaking of which, I don't want your all-natural alternative to cannabis. I
> understand the non-alcoholic beer angle but who in the world wants to smoke
> weed that doesn't get you high?
>
> I, like many others, have seen the random photos of Anna Kournikova falling
> out of a tennis outfit or two. That's more than I need and your promise of
> hundreds of such photos does nothing to me other than make me feel queasy.
>
> The company you are touting might be real but the press release you've
> concocted in an attempt to boost the price is not. Who in the world do you
> expect to buy stock from a person using 'sexxymail.com' as their domain
> anyway? As much as they try to convince you otherwise there are NO sexy
> stockbrokers. It just doesn't work that way.
>
> Did I mention that no amount of discussions of the benefits of implants,
> creams, pumps or the like will ever convince me that I need to purchase
> penis-improving aides from an email marketer?
>
> Let's be honest for a minute. If you are a nubile 16 year-old who is
> comfortable with my penis as it is and has a great stock tip you're going to
> offer to me while you and your sister go down on Catherine Zeta-Jones I
> might just want in. Otherwise you can just forget sending that message.
>
> Thanks for thinking of me though,
>
> Boon Sheridan
>
>
.·:*´¨`*:·..·:*´¨`*:·.
*: * Richiele * *
*·. .·*
`*·-:¦:-*´
³´`*:»§«:*´`³
This thread: